Monday, January 18, 2016

Gone

Sitting in the private room of the emergency department, my dad suggests to me to call Erick .  I dial Erick on my cell phone and he picks up after only a few rings.  I can hear Ainsley playing in the background......  I tell Erick that there's been an accident and that Olivia is badly hurt.  He immediately starts screaming "NO, NO, NO".  I don't remember anything else about our conversation other than his cries of helplessness and fear.  I don't remember hanging up the phone.....  I just don't remember......  I do remember his cry and it haunts me to this day.

A nurse comes to the room and tells me that her name is Mary and that she can take me to Olivia.  I walk with Mary and ask how Olivia is doing.  I was NOT prepared for her to tell me that Olivia wasn't breathing on her own.

At this point, I am now having an outer-body-experience.  I am watching myself walk into a room with Olivia surrounded by medical staff.  The doctor introduces himself to me and then explains that Olivia's pupils are fixed and dilated.  I don't really know what that means but I know it's not good.  The doctor continues to tell me that Olivia sustained a significant head injury.  He gently tells me that there is nothing more that they can do for her.  A few moments go by and I try dialing Erick again but my hands are trembling so badly that I can't hit the right numbers.  The physician dials for me and I don't know what I said to my husband who is hundreds of miles away from us but he is on the other end when I say good bye to my sweet Olivia.  I tell her to go find Steeler then I buckle at the knees and curl up into a ball on the floor.  At some point during this, I hear "Time of death.........."  She's gone.  Oh my God, my first born, beautiful daughter is dead.

The nurses give me a chair and tell me that I can stay with Olivia as long as I need to.  I sat next to Olivia's lifeless body and hold her hand while my dad hugs her and sobs.  I remember showing the nurses how cute Olivia's toes looked.  Erick painted her toes and mine before we left for our trip.  It was a bluish green color.  I later learned that the name of the color was Mermaid's Tears.  Weird, huh?I also remember hearing a man in the adjacent room vomiting over and over again......  I sat back down again and held Olivia's hand.  It had that stupid pulse oximeter attached to her pointer finger.

I don't remember how long my dad and I stayed at the hospital that night but to this day I know that it wasn't long enough.

Watching your child die is the worst thing that a mother can experience but watching your child's body be placed into a black bag and zipped is, well, I have no words for it.  I wish I wouldn't have seen it.  I wish I wouldn't have said that I wanted to go back to the house.  I wish I would have never been on this nightmare of a vacation.

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