Monday, February 8, 2016

Going home

Once I decided to leave the hospital, I was standing outside of the room where Olivia died.  I was shaking uncontrollably, shivering.  My aunt, who came to simply get an update for the family, suggested to the nurse that I was in shock and perhaps they could give me something to help.  Someone handed me a prescription for Xanax.

We walked outside and it was dark and raining......  such a difference from hours before.  Well, everything was different hours before.  I had Olivia then and now I do not.  I sat in the backseat of someone's car and could hardly keep myself upright.  I slumped over and leaned onto my bag that my aunt had brought from the vacation home.  We drove to a CVS, I think, where I handed my prescription slip and my insurance card to a drive through window.  We then drove back to the vacation home.  My cousin, the one driving the boat, was waiting for me when we arrived.  She said how sorry she was.  I know that sounds very simplistic but what else could she say.  It was an accident.  Yes, a terrible one but an accident.  

I went into the house and my mom grabbed me and hugged me.  I still haven't cried.  I felt like I was walking through life as a zombie.  I sat down on the couch where my cousin Mark came to comfort me.  There was nothing that anyone could do.  I just wanted to curl up into a ball and pretend this isn't really happening.  I wanted to be with Erick and Ainsley.  I wanted my Olivia back here with me for our get away weekend.   Oh how I wanted this nightmare to be over but this is only the beginning of my nightmare.  This fucking nightmare is now my reality.  Excuse my language.  

The hospital had asked me if I wanted a social worker to come to the house to talk and I took them up on the offer.  She stopped by a little while later while I was still laying on the couch now holding onto Olivia's green blanket that she slept with every night since she was a baby.  I remember telling the social worker, Kim, that I was so scared that Erick would blame me for this and  would leave me.  At some point, I think, while I was in the hospital or later, I had inquired about organ donation.  What?  Seriously?  I consented to have any viable organ of Olivia's donated.  Someone from the organ donation department did call me on my cell and we arranged it.  I will blog about this later.   I remember feeling so tired but incredibly empty inside.  I remember still hearing my dad cry and cry and cry.  Me?  Still no t ears.  I have no idea what time it is at this point but I'm given a Xanax and I go into a bedroom to sleep.  My mom shared a bed with me.

The next morning, we woke up very early because my cousin, Mark had arranged for us to return to Pittsburgh.  I wasn't about to stay in Florida any longer than I need to.  This will later haunt me.  I left my daughter alone.  

My mom hopped into the bathroom to shower but I heard her vomit.  I showered next and then we left the house with our luggage.  Olivia's clothes were still packed in her suitcase.  I was leaving her in Florida.  Even when I type it......  it sounds horrible.  

I think I sat on the plane by complete strangers and was completely in a zombie state from the Xanax (too high of a dosage for me).  I dozed off on the plane but was startled awake by my own realization that Olivia was dead.  

We had another lay over in Atlanta, GA where I would call my friend Lori.  She had known what happened because my family had called my friend Melissa for me.  I wanted Melissa to call our friends and for someone to check on Erick the night of the accident.  Lori was a member at our church so I called her to ask if she would call our Pastor because I now have to plan a funeral.  Lori had already taken care of it.  Eventually, we arrive in Pittsburgh and back into my parent's car where Olivia's booster seat was waiting for her.  I sat in the backseat and my mom sat next to me.  Staring out the window the entire time but I could see the stickers that Olivia put on the back door.  She was everywhere but she wasn't here.  

Erick opened the front door of our split level home.   Ainsley was standing at the top of our steps and the first thing that comes out of her adorable little mouth is, "Where's LaLa".  I didn't think that my heart could break any more.  My mother-in-law was there to distract Ainsley while Erick and I went downstairs to our bedroom.  We sat on the bed and hugged each other while Erick cried.  Me?  Nothing.  I am numb.  I am dead inside.  

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